Azathoth Prime
The Store of All Things
Azathoth Prime is the ultimate online shopping experience powered by primordial chaos. Why wait for same-day delivery when your desires can be instantly plucked from the dreaming madness of the Blind Idiot God at the center of all things, Azathoth Prime.
Here are just a few of the exclusive benefits Azathoth Prime members enjoy:
Infinite Selection
From household essentials and books of every tongue (known and unknown) to antediluvian relics dredged from drowned R’lyeh and antiquarian blades forged under nameless black stars, the Azathoth Prime catalog is limitless. Every possible item, in every possible universe, is waiting for you to order.
Interdimensional Shipping
Our servitors do not travel by truck or drone. They slip between non-Euclidean rifts in unreality. Packages arrive before you even think to order them. The Store of All Things knows what you need.
Azathoth Prime Music
Gain instant access to our infinite musical catalog. Immerse yourself in the ceaseless, maddening music of the Daemon Sultan’s court, where idiot flutes and monstrous drums shape the eternal law of our frail cosmos.
Azathoth Prime Video Streaming
Watch popular movies and television shows from universes with laws unknown to the physics and mathematics of any conceivable cosmos. Unlike ordinary light and sound, these phantasmal projections are woven from an indescribable colour out of space, a hue beyond the spectrum of human sight that seeps through the screen into the viewer’s mind. The videos continue even after your device is turned off, playing endlessly in the dark wells of your subconscious.
Cthindle Unlimited Reading
Azathoth Prime members unlock our complete Cthindle archives of forbidden digital texts from outside the ordered universe: scrolls penned by hands that never were, blasphemous grimoires bound in abnormal alien hides, and histories from futures that cannot be. Every word is woven in the dream of the Blind Idiot God, and now… it is woven in you.
Additional Azathoth Prime Membership Perks Include:
Access to exclusive Lightning Deals from inconceivable unlighted chambers beyond time.
Free Wardrobe Try-On featuring non-Euclidean garments that shift to fit the contours of your body’s geometry.
Discounts on subscription nutritional products such as fungi from Yuggoth.
Unlimited cloud storage within our frozen vaults in Antarctica. Data is preserved outside of time itself, immune to decay or deletion.
All for the low-low price of your mortal sanity!
Don’t take our word for it. Here are just a few of the many 5-star reviews posted by satisfied Azathoth Prime customers:
★★★★★ The music never stops!
Azathoth Prime Music fills my room without end. The blind flautists at the Throne of Chaos sound so close; their melodies spill through every device, every speaker, every nerve in my hand. I cannot still my viol bow. I cannot rest. The service is flawless, the sound… infinite. The idiot god dreams, and we are his orchestra.
— Erich Zann, Azathoth Customer★★★★★ Ayuh… I always knew there were somethin’ fishy in my blood
I ordered this here Deep One Heritage DNA Kit from Azathoth Prime an’ it came faster’n a storm tide, drippin’ wet like it swam here itself. Swabbed me cheek, sent it off, an’ the results came back sayin’ I’m 87% Deep One, 12% human, an’ 1% ‘Other.’ Don’t surprise me none—the gills get stronger every year, an’ the dreams keep callin’. A fine test, aye, proves what I always knew: the sea claims its own.
— Zadok Allen, Verified Purchase★★★★★ This book is a gateway to the gulfs beyond the stars. I recently procured from Azathoth Prime a copy of Kitab al-Azif, aka the Necronomicon or Book of the Dead, the infamous grimoire by the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred. As a staunch atheistic materialist, I do not believe in occult ritual magick or any supernatural phenomena, yet I nevertheless sought this unmentionable tome out of some faint morbid curiosity. No greater misstep have I ever made, as I now find myself drowning in a black abyss of diabolical madness. The Necronomicon’s pages incessantly whisper of the Lord of Nighted Chaos who holds court at the center of infinity. In the midnight silence I feel thoughts not my own permeating from the Outside and supplanting my consciousness—visions of cyclopean ruins, gibbering cosmic entities, and unspeakable geometries that no sane mind should ever grasp. I feel the irresistible urge to compose these daemonic revelations into tales of weird “fiction” that can be read by others so that their Truths may spread to the rest of mankind for untold aeons beyond my lifetime. It is as though the Blind Idiot God has chosen me as the conduit for His dream. All things flow from the center, and the center is Him. Iä! Iä! Join Azathoth Prime! — H.P. Lovecraft, Verified Purchase
Vigintillions more satisfied customers have already joined Azathoth Prime. Their names are gone, their forms dissolved, yet their devotion to the Ultimate Chaos remains eternal. So what are you waiting for? Sign up for Azathoth Prime, the Store of All Things, today!
Shop Now, Scream Later
One Click, Infinite Dread
Chaos always ships free with Azathoth Prime®