Bitcoin Scam Revealed: Aliens Steal Earth’s Gold
Future Fake News - April 16, 2050
Since the publication of the Bitcoin whitepaper forty-two years ago by the anonymous figure known as Satoshi Nakamoto, the price of Bitcoin has increased exponentially year by year until hyperbitcoinization swept across the globe. Bitcoin became the global reserve currency, and all fiat money, alt-coins, gold, and precious metals became virtually worthless. In 2050, as Bitcoin’s price reached a record-high $21 million per coin, the truth behind the cryptocurrency and the identity of Satoshi Nakamoto was finally revealed.
Bitcoin was created by an advanced alien civilization from a planet 42 light years across the galaxy known as Katoshi. The Katoshians search the Milky Way for planets with high quantities of gold, which they use to build their interstellar travel technology and orbital infrastructure, while also using the rare mineral as a store of value and medium of exchange. Gold’s only drawback as a form of money was its lack of portability and risk for confiscation. To remedy this, the Katoshians developed teleportation technology that enables instant transfer of gold bullion across the planet at zero cost, and programmable matter that melts gold into liquid magma when touched by anyone not authorized by its rightful owner. Because of gold’s multi-use factor, it is the most valuable element in the known universe to the Katoshians—and any other alien civilization that reaches their level of technological sophistication.
The Katoshians devised Bitcoin as a Ponzi scheme to convince humans to sell their gold for pennies on the dollar—or rather satoshis on the bitcoin. The Katoshians do the same to all “intelligent” civilizations they encounter on other gold-enriched planets. They wait in hiding to let the primitive civilizations do all the hard work of mining the precious metal, then, rather than waging war to pillage the gold (which they see as savage, costly, and unethical), they convince the planet’s inhabitants to willingly sell it to them for their cryptocurrency based on nothing but computation and mathematics.
The Katoshians first send the anonymously published Bitcoin whitepaper to the alien planet via their internet decades in advance, then while traveling in their starships at lightspeed, they let the bitcoin price go up while the value of gold drops. By the time their starships arrive at the destination, hyperbitcoinization will have taken place, and they use their million bitcoins mined by “Satoshi Nakamoto” on the genesis block to purchase every ounce of gold on the planet. Then they leave to find their next pump-and-dump planet.
It has not been a total loss for Earthlings, however. While it’s no gold, Bitcoin is still world’s better than fiat money.