MAKE AMERICA GOLF AGAIN: Trump Opens Luxury Resorts in National Parks
Future Fake News - April 7, 2031
FLAGSTAFF, AZ — President Donald J. Trump announced the completion of his ambitious “Fairways to Freedom” project today. Designed to help fund the federal government, every U.S. National Park has been transformed into a sprawling network of golf courses and luxury resorts. The initiative promises to blend “the greatest sport ever invented” with “the most beautiful land America has to offer,” while generating billions in revenue to offset federal deficits.
Speaking from the newly christened Mar-a-Lago West, a 500-room resort overlooking the Grand Canyon’s South Rim, President Trump hailed the project as “a phenomenal success.” Flanked by a fleet of golden golf carts and caddies wearing red MAGA hats, Trump stated, “I’ve turned these national parks—beautiful parks, by the way, nobody loves nature more than me—into the greatest golf destinations in the world. The parks were just sitting there, doing nothing, costing us money. Now they’re paying for themselves, paying for the wall, paying for everything. We’re making billions—billions, folks—bringing in so much money to the federal government, it’s unbelievable.”
A New Vision for America’s Wild Spaces
The Fairways to Freedom project was launched via executive order five years ago during Trump’s second term. Sixty-three championship golf courses were constructed across breathtaking landscapes like Yosemite, Yellowstone, the Everglades, Joshua Tree, Mount Rushmore, and the Great Smoky Mountains, with each site featuring a signature Trump Resort, complete with casinos, steak houses, and infinity pools.
The National Park Service, now rebranded as the “Tourism Development Service,” oversees operations, with all profits funneled directly into federal programs. An estimated 140,000 jobs were created by the project. “Jobs, jobs, jobs—we’re creating so many jobs, it’s incredible,” Trump said. “Thousands of people working on these courses, running the resorts, serving the best food. I’ve brought more jobs to America than anyone in history. Everyone’s working, everyone’s happy. It’s terrific!”
In Yellowstone, the Old Faithful geyser now serves as a dramatic water hazard on the 18th hole of Geyser National Golf Club, a par-72 course carved through geothermal fields. Golfers must carefully time their putts to avoid getting sprayed by scalding hot water.
El Capitan Country Club in Yosemite features a manicured 7,200-yard championship course. The resort’s penthouse suites offer exclusive views of the park’s iconic Half Dome peak.
South Florida’s TPC Everglades is a swampy course where players must navigate floating greens and exotic wildlife—though Trump assured reporters, “The gators are friendly, folks, very friendly.”
The picturesque Hot Lava Links in Hawaii was built on two active volcanoes, with dried lava flows as part of the course. Other Fairways to Freedom courses include Glacier Greens in Montana, Acadia Coastal in Maine, Denali Doglegs in Alaska, Rocky Mountain Ridge in Colorado, Death Valley Dunes in Nevada, and Badlands Bunkers in South Dakota. Also part of the program are five new Trump National Golf Courses built along the southern border wall (if you lose your ball, Mexico will pay for it).
Economic Boom or Ecological Bust?
The Trump administration claims the Fairways to Freedom project will generate $45 billion in its first year alone, with green fees starting at $1,000 per round and resort stays averaging $5,000 a night. “People are saying they’ve never seen anything like it,” Trump said. “I’ve stayed in all of the new hotels, and let me tell you, they’re fantastic—absolutely fantastic. It’s luxury like you wouldn’t believe.”
However, critics of Fairways to Freedom call the project an ecological disaster. The Sierra Club reported that 30% of National Park acreage has been paved or developed, with endangered species like the California condor and Florida panther displaced to “relocation zones.” Protests erupted in cities nationwide, though they were quickly overshadowed by the launch of a new PGA Tour event at the Arches Oasis Golf Club in Utah featuring Tiger Woods in his return to professional competition wearing new bionic legs.
Trump addressed the concerns at his latest rally: “The environmentalists, they’re crying, ‘Oh, the parks, the parks! They’re killing the poor animals!’ Let me tell you, folks, that is FAKE NEWS! I’ve made the parks better—much better. And you know what? The animals have never been happier. We’ve got the bison, we’ve got the gators, we’ve got the big bad wolves. And of course who can forget the good old American Eagle. A beautiful bird, isn’t it? To be honest, I don’t know why they call it bald. They have a great set of white hair—or is it feathers? I like to call it hair. What else? We’ve got the panthers, we’ve got the beavers, we’ve got the mooses, and we’ve got the bears—the best bears, great giant grizzlies. You can watch them eat salmon right from the river, catch them with their bare hands—their bear hands. I guess that’s why they call it that. You know, I caught a salmon with my bare hands once when I was fly-fishing with Don Jr.—I did it on my first try. He said, ‘Dad, did you just catch that fish with your bare hands?’ I said, ‘Yeah, Don, I guess I’m a natural.’ It was the biggest fish ever caught in that river—so big, you wouldn’t believe it. The locals wanted to hang it up in town with a statue of me, but the mayor—a far-left Democrat, very corrupt woman, very nasty—she denied it because she hates Trump. She hates winning. But that’s okay. We’re gonna win anyway. We will win like never before. And the great American wildlife is winning too. The animals are still there in the National Parks—fenced off, very safe, very nice. They’re happier now because they’re part of something tremendous. I’m saving nature by making money. Okay? We’re going to MAKE AMERICA GOLF AGAIN.”
As the sun set over Mar-a-Lago West, Trump teed off on the Grand Canyon Country Club’s first hole, a 600-yard par-3 dubbed “The Bigly Drop.” He smiled as the ball sailed into the abyss. “Looks like another hole-in-one for Trump. In all fairness, it’s hard not to hit a hole-in-one in a canyon that huge. Many are saying it’s the grandest canyon in the world. And with this gorgeous new golf course, now it’s even grander. The best canyon you’ve ever seen, believe me!”