MANHATTAN, NY — All Wall Street trading was put on halt temporarily after two high-frequency trading algorithms got into a bidding war earlier today. One algo attempted to short-squeeze Goozon ($GOOZ) stock, while the other algo tried to short-squeeze MicroMeta ($MIME), resulting in the largest single-day crash in stock market history, followed by the largest upswing ever and all-time high, followed by another crash even lower than the first, before spiking back up to another even higher all-time high—all in a matter of fifteen minutes. The SEC paused trading for the day to investigate the situation.
Meanwhile, the crypto markets remained open 24/7 and continue to fluctuate. Bitcoin ($BTC) reached an all-time high, crossing $1.2 million for the first time. Its price has remained somewhat steady, but the altcoins have been swinging just as wildly as the stock market. Corgicoin ($CORG) reached $1,000, then crashed to one-cent, before settling back around $1. AlienExchange ($ETX), the anonymous cryptocurrency rumored to be the creation of an alien civilization, reached its all-time high of $42. The price of gold (now around $0.79) continued its decline toward zero after another SpaceX asteroid-mining ship returned to Earth with a massive haul of precious metals.
The New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) is expected to open at its normal time tomorrow morning, but perhaps with some new restrictions on algorithmic trading.