Thomas Jefferson Revived, Has Immediate Aneurysm Upon Seeing Size of Government
Future Fake News - December 6, 2046
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA — With the many problems facing the United States in the 2040s, including a national debt crisis, international conflicts, heightened animosity within the population, record-high taxes, a record-low approval rating of Congress, major infrastructure failures, and the inability of the government to perform basic functions, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) was called upon to help identify the core issue. The federal agency that was originally created to help trim the size of the government had itself ballooned into an intricate bureaucracy containing dozens of sub-departments and thousands of employees.
A team of neuro-engineers in the bio-nanotechnology division of the DOGE devised a plan to use nanobots to reconstruct the consciousness of Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence and third president of the United States. Who better to help solve the problems facing the government of America than the man who helped design it?
DOGE scientists began by harvesting Jefferson’s genetic material from his bones, teeth, and hair buried at his Monticello grave. Using residual DNA and proteins, nanobots mapped the physical structure of Jefferson's brain architecture, emulating his unique thinking patterns and personality. A synthetic mind was then constructed with Jefferson’s neural blueprint and implanted into an android body modeled after his physical attributes.
Much has transpired in the world since Jefferson’s death in 1826, so to get “Jefferson 2.0” up to speed, his knowledge banks needed to be updated. An AI was trained on Jefferson’s published writings, letters, and journals, then fed new information from Wikipedia, history books, scientific papers, and news articles. Also added was a database of government documents, including the fully amended Constitution, the National Archives, the Library of Congress, the complete US legal code, and every Federal, state, and local law, statute, and regulation. Filtering the world’s current collective knowledge through Thomas Jefferson’s brilliant mind would render Jefferson 2.0 the ultimate expert in government policy.
Jefferson 2.0 was slated to be the first of many prominent political figures from American history to be revived in cybernetic form by the DOGE team, followed by John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, James Madison, and George Washington. The brain emulations cost about $2 billion each, taking six years of work, and requiring the effort of over 40,000 government employees—but it would be worth it. The wisdom of the Founding Fathers was needed to figure out how to get the government to function efficiently again.
With the neural mapping of Thomas Jefferson’s consciousness a success, and the android body assembled, all that was left was to download the new data into Jefferson 2.0’s cybernetic brain. The activation ceremony was held at the Jefferson Memorial in Washington D.C. with a crowd of eager onlookers, while the event was simultaneously live-streamed on the internet.
The Chief Secretary of the DOGE stepped to the microphone before the crowd and announced, “We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Thomas Jefferson 2.0.”
The Chief Secretary nodded at the lead neuro-engineer who pressed a button on the back of the android, and Jefferson 2.0’s eyes opened and looked around.
“Hello?” the Chief Secretary of the DOGE said. “Mr. Jefferson, is that you?”
“I’m… alive!” Jefferson 2.0 exclaimed, admiring his robotic body. “This is astounding!”
The crowd applauded.
“Mr. Jefferson, do you know where you are?” asked the Chief Secretary, hoping the AI had successfully integrated the 200 years’ worth of data into his consciousness.
“Yes,” Jefferson 2.0 said. “It is the year 2046 in America. I am at…my memorial in Washington D.C.” He looked back at the bronze statue of himself. “Not the most flattering depiction, but close enough.”
The crowd cheered, and the DOGE team celebrated with high fives and hugs.
“And what do you make of our modern world?” asked the Chief Secretary.
“It is quite different in many ways,” Jefferson 2.0 said. “But quite the same in many others.”
“And what about our country—your country—the United States of America?” the Chief Secretary said. “We’ve tried to carry on the spirit of the Founders and progress the government into the modern age, but we’ve, well… What do you think?”
“The federal government…” Jefferson 2.0 paused, staring blankly into the distance.
“Yes, Mr. Jefferson?” asked the Chief Secretary.
“The federal government is…” Jefferson 2.0’s face twitched, contorting into odd shapes. “The federal government is too…”
“Too what?” asked the Chief Secretary of the DOGE.
“Too…” Smoke began to seep from Jefferson 2.0’s head. “Too big big big big big big big big big big…” Sparks flew as the android glitched out, repeating the same word over and over again. “…big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big…” Jefferson 2.0’s white hair caught on fire, and the crowd panicked, running away in terror. “…big big big big big—”
A neuro-engineer sprayed a fire extinguisher at Jefferson 2.0’s head, then the android body collapsed, and the crowd went into hushed silence.
“Mr. Jefferson?” The neuro-engineer cautiously approached the charred robot lying lifeless on the ground. “Mr. Jefferson, are you okay?”
“Cut the feed,” said the Chief Secretary, and the live stream abruptly ended.
Thomas Jefferson 2.0 died less than two minutes after coming to life, and DOGE scientists have been unable to revive him since.
The cause of Thomas Jefferson’s re-death was later identified as a fatal brain aneurysm suffered while processing the full list of federal agencies currently operating in America. The sheer size and complexity of the US government proved too much for his cybernetic brain to process. Jefferson’s original vision of a limited government was such a stark contrast to the bloated web of bureaucracy that evolved since that it overwhelmed his neural circuitry, causing the entire system to crash.
The White House has since announced the creation of a new federal agency, the Department Coordination Watchdog Agency Serving Taxpayers Effectively (DCWASTE), to oversee the DOGE and figure out what went wrong with Jefferson 2.0. Hopefully the DCWASTE can aid the DOGE in their effort to safely resurrect the minds of the Founding Fathers in the future. Doing so may be the US government’s only hope to avoid inevitable bankruptcy and collapse.
