PYONGYANG, DPRK — Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, was assassinated again yesterday afternoon in Pyongyang. A digital backup of his consciousness was immediately downloaded into a new body to retake control of the nation.
This marks the twenty-seventh time the North Korean dictator has been assassinated, but he is reportedly more amused than angered by the repeated attempts on his life by “Western imperialist pigs.” Hundreds of cloned Kim Jong Un bodies await in cold storage ready to be activated, each featuring his face with the 6-foot-8-tall cyborg body frame of Dennis Rodman in his athletic prime.
Jong Un was playing golf at the time, halfway to shooting another perfect 18,1 when a smart-bullet from a sniper rifle struck him square in the head. The clone died on impact. Based on ballistics and trajectory analysis, the shot likely came from a drone flying hundreds of miles away off the coast of Pyongyang over the Sea of Japan, using an AI-controlled smart-bullet to direct its course to the target.
No one has claimed responsibility for the assassination, but the new Jong Un clone has nevertheless vowed full retaliation. As a show of force, his space-based body-double launched a series of nuclear missiles from the Korean People’s Army orbital station—though it was only a test.
North Korea has yet to launch an actual attack on Earth, as Jong Un knows doing so would prompt his enemies to nuke his entire country, plus his space station and every other site where his body clones and digital consciousness backups are stored. Kim Jong Un cannot risk losing his immortality if he wishes to remain eternal Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea forever.2
Kim Jong Un’s cyborg muscular enhancements, including an extra robotic arm, and AI smart-balls allow him to hit a hole-in-one every time he swings a golf club.
To ensure nothing is lost in translation: This entire article is satire. I denounce all assassination attempts on Kim Jong Un and/or his clones. Please don’t hack me, Dear Leader.