Nanourish: Achieve Peak Health Without Diet or Exercise
Future Fake News - January 5, 2038
Pfizenaxo has announced the release of Nanourish, a new USB-to-IV smartdrug app that replenishes your body with all essential nutrients, vitamins, and minerals overnight, eliminating the need to eat any food the following day. Upgrade to Nanourish+ for nanobots that will stimulate your muscles while sleeping so you can remain in peak physical fitness without ever needing to exercise. With Nanourish, you can spend all your waking hours at work or play. You never need to take a single break to eat, exercise, or use the restroom. Nanourish optimizes your body to operate with perfect caloric efficiency, producing zero waste.
“Nanourish has changed my life. I wake up feeling refreshed, and I’m saving so much money without needing to buy food or gym memberships. I got rid of my fridge and oven and converted the kitchen into an art studio." — Reese from Providence
“Thanks to Nanourish, I can bench-press 300 pounds—not that I ever have or will ever need to. But I could.” — Brad from Austin
Just connect the Nanourish feed to your neural port before going to bed, and let the nanobots work their magic while you’re sleeping. Don’t forget to subscribe for refills because missing your daily dose can result in severe side effects. Nanourish is also available via Health Hornet drones. For best results, use Nanourish in conjunction with Nozleepex so that you never need to eat or sleep. Spend every hour of the day doing whatever you want!
“I’m using Nanourish and Nozleepex to binge-watch Netflix. I mean like all of Netflix. I’ve watched every single show and am now using AI to instantly generate new series based on my personal data. The content stream never ends!” — Krystal from Flagstaff
“I’ve been coding 24/7, 365 for the past three years on a constant dose of Nanourish and Nozleepex. It’s the only way to keep up with AI programmers. The bots never take breaks to eat, sleep, or exercise. Another seven years of this and I might be able to afford a house.” — Dev from Palo Alto
Join millions around the world who are achieving peak health with zero effort. Ask your docbot about Nanourish today!
Common side effects of Nanourish include: depression, anxiety, headache, nausea, exhaustion, dehydration, irritation, paranoia, hysteria, psychosis, violent outbreaks, murder rampages, and suicide.
[Full disclosure: Pfizenaxo is an investor in the parent company of this news organization.]